Thanks for the question Heather!

There is a simple answer:  fashion.  And safety.  Perhaps you ‘ve noticed the lack of fashion savvy many of my lesbian sisters possess.  It’s like the lesbian gene is completely lacking fashion sense.  As though we collectively donated it to our homosexual brothers, and kept the home run derby genes for ourselves.

Why do we have gay boyfriends?  We have to keep our gayboys close to us so that we’re not gunned down in the street for our poor fashion choices.  It’s really that simple.

Why don’t we get married?  Believe me, honey, I’ve thought about this.  I LOVE my gayboy Jeffrey.  I could probably live the rest of my life with him.  Except that I don’t want to do the nasty with him.  Not even a teeny little bit.  (Jeffrey, I’m not saying you have a teeny little bit, so don’t come flying at me with that queeny rage of yours.)  I want to go shopping with him and talk horrible trash about people when I know I shouldn’t.  I don’t want to go to sleep next to him and wake up in his arms.

So, if I should ever be in the hospital and need someone to make a decision, or hold my hand as I go into surgery, I want it to be my partner – the woman I do sleep next to every night, and wake up with.  And I want the government, and my community, to acknowledge that my relationship with the woman I choose to spend my life with is every bit as valid, important, and worthy of protection, as anybody else’s.

Fabulous question, darling.

Thank you, LeAnna for those insightful, and related questions.  Let’s take them one at a time:

1.  Your cat is obsessed with your lady friend, because you are obsessed with your lady friend.  Either that, or your lady friend really does not like your cat.  Cats can sense these things, and like to be disagreeable.

2.  It is a common misconception that all lesbians have cats.  In fact, not all lesbians like cats, though all lesbians like pussy.  So, I think the better question is:  “is your lady friend really a lesbian if she doesn’t like your pussy?”

Thank you again for that question.

Thanks Nat!  Any question is an okay question to ask.

Language can be a big roadblock to even beginning discussion about these issues.  And, because definitional terms like “gay” and “lesbian” can be so very personal, this is a perfect way to start the discussion.  Let’s take a minute to define some terms:

GLBT:  This stands for Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transgender.  It can also be expressed LGBT.

Homosexual:  someone who is sexually attracted to people of the same gender.

Gay man:  homosexual man.

Lesbian:  homosexual woman.

Bi-sexual: someone who is sexually attracted to both men and women.

Transgender person: generally someone who identifies as a different gender than the gender assigned to them at birth.

It’s important to know that, while there are some terms that have specific definitions, the language around GLBT issues is constantly changing and evolving.  Especially the language around transgender and gender-identity issues.

For me, “gay” is a general term.  Sure, it can be used in a more male centered manner, but I use it often to describe all homosexual people.  Much the way it’s used in the term “gay marriage.”  We know gay marriage also includes lesbians, and it’s an easy shorthand.

I will say, however, that I was schooled one evening by a room of older activists who had cut their teeth in the women’s rights movement, when I referred to them as “gay.”  They didn’t like it.  It wasn’t comfortable for them, and wasn’t the term they chose to use to define themselves.    Which was funny, because I didn’t like the word “lesbian” for a long time.  It made me feel uncomfortable.  Even though it was a proper term for what I was, I didn’t use it to describe myself.  And that’s really what it’s about.  Self-definition.

For now, I prefer the word, “queer” to define myself and my community.  Which makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  For me, it’s the most inclusive word we can use to describe a very diverse community.  And it reclaims a word that has been used for a long time as a marginalizer.

So while there are some words that mean really specific things, the best rule is to ask.  If you want to know how someone defines themselves, just ask.  It’s a great place to start a conversation.